Ayo Deforge’s Grips of Grief is a harrowing yet redemptive memoir that chronicles a life steeped in sorrow, loss, and faith.
Unlike traditional fiction that invites some form of detachment through imagined narratives, this work compels attention. The pages are soaked with lived experience: grief, infertility, rejection, and perseverance, all rendered in prose that is both poetic and unflinching.
The memoir begins with a childhood ruptured by maternal death and paternal abandonment. Thrust into premature independence, Deforge learns to mother herself, mining resilience from sorrow and daring to envision love where only loss had been known. Her early years form a poignant foundation for the narrative’s later struggles, including the pain of forging identity and faith amidst familial absence.
Despite a fractured upbringing, the author pursues education and career success. Approaching her thirties, she prays for a Christian man who speaks French. Her prayer is answered in the form of Alain, a Frenchman. Their union marks a new chapter: one that requires the painful uprooting from Nigeria to France, accompanied by the promise of a new beginning in the shadow of uncertainty.
The early years of marriage are marked by professional under-employment and the unrelenting wait for a child. The memoir recounts the anguish of a twelve-year-long battle with infertility: Failed IVF attempts, a heartbreaking medically advised abortion, the quiet torment of fibroids, and the loneliness of unanswered prayers. These trials are depicted with a clarity that avoids sentimentality, allowing readers to fully grasp the weight of the suffering.
A pivotal moment arrives unexpectedly. Weeks after a prayer session with her pastor, the author becomes inexplicably fatigued. The symptoms escalate; she endures overwhelming exhaustion, food aversion, and physical weakness until a pregnancy test reveals the unimaginable: she is pregnant. Despite medical declarations of depleted eggs, the pregnancy is confirmed, baffling doctors and defying scientific expectations. What follows is a period of sacred vigilance as the baby grows, a living symbol of divine intervention.
Grips of Grief is more than a personal memoir; it is a study of grief, faith, and resilience. It draws a clear distinction between childhood and adult grief, exploring how children often internalize pain in silence and how early losses can shape lifelong self-worth and critical decisions. It also examines the tension between belief in God and feelings of divine abandonment, offering insight into the spiritual dissonance that can accompany long seasons of suffering.
Central to the book is the influence of parental relationships on one’s understanding of love and identity. The narrative unpacks how experiences with earthly parents can either illuminate or distort perceptions of God. Cultural expectations around motherhood, religious commitment, and respect are interwoven throughout, revealing how societal norms can simultaneously comfort and complicate the grieving process.
Friendship emerges as another vital theme. Through the author’s connections, the memoir explores the fragile terrain of trust, boundaries, and betrayal. It reflects on the emotional burden placed on friendships when they are expected to fill the voids left by family or faith.
The memoir also offers a nuanced exploration of infertility and womanhood across cultures. A stark contrast is drawn between the support received in France particularly from her in-laws and the suspicion, pity, and disdain often directed at childless women in Nigeria. This cultural dichotomy reinforces the global disparity in how infertility is perceived and treated across borders and cultures.
Ultimately, Grips of Grief affirms that science, for all its advancements, cannot fully account for the mysteries of human life. The memoir suggests that some gaps in knowledge are purposeful, guardrails that protect against hubris and invite humility. In its conclusion, the narrative offers a quiet meditation on the sacred unknown, underscoring the limits of reason and the enduring need for reverence in the face of life’s unanswerable questions.
Ayo Deforge has crafted a work of depth, grace, and quiet power. Grips of Grief is not merely a book to be read; it is a testimony to be honoured.
***Olukorede S Yishau is the author of ‘In The Name of Our Father’, ‘Vaults of Secrets’, United Countries of America and Other Travel Tales’ and ‘After The End’. He is concluding work on his third novel. He lives in Houston-Texas.
